Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Testing Tornados

It’s testing time here in the sunny, warm south. That means it’s time for the memos to begin a-flyin’ regarding “the test” and those ever so important ….insert fake echo effect here…”TESTING PROCEDURES”.

I do not think it is any coincidence whatsoever that the testing window in Georgia opens about the same time as our tornado season begins. It can certainly add a little more confusion to the chaos that CAN be created because it’s testing time.

While the follow is a good piece of satire regarding the atmosphere surrounding “the test” it isn’t too far off the mark regarding just how serious….and I mean ser-ri-ous things have become.

Hang on….here we go:

Please do not look out the window to watch for approaching tornadoes. You must monitor the students at all times. To do otherwise would be a testing irregularity and must be reported.

Should students notice an approaching tornado and begin to cry, please make every effort to protect their testing materials from the flow of tears and sinus drainage.

Should a flying object come through your window during testing, please make every effort to ensure that it does not land on a testing booklet or an answer sheet. Please make sure to soften the landing of the flying object so that it will not disturb the students while testing.

Should shards of glass from a broken window come flying into the room, have the students use their bodies to shield their testing materials so that they will not be damaged. Have plenty of gauze on hand to ensure that no one accidentally bleeds on the answer
documents. Damaged answer sheets will not scan properly.

Should gale force winds ensue, please have everyone stuff their test booklets and answer sheets into their shirts being very careful not to bend them because bent answer documents will not scan properly.

If any student gets sucked into the vortex of the funnel cloud, please make sure they mark at least one answer before departing and of course make sure they leave their answer sheets and test booklets behind. You will have to account for those.

Should a funnel cloud pick you, the test administrator, up and take you flying over the rainbow, you will still be required to account for all of your testing materials when you land so please take extra precautions. Remember, once you have checked them out, they should
never leave our hands.

When rescue workers arrive to dig you out of the rubble, please make sure that they do not, at any time, look at or handle the testing materials. Once you have been treated for your injuries, you will still be responsible for checking your materials back in. Search dogs will not be allowed to sift through the rubble for lost tests. Unless of course they have been through standardized test training.

Please do not pray should a severe weather situation arise. Your priority is to actively monitor the test and a student might mark in the wrong section if you are praying instead of monitoring. I'm sure God will put war, world hunger, crime, and the piracy on hold until
testing is over. He knows how important this test is.

Yes, testing time is important. Yes, testing time is serious. So serious you have to laugh sometimes to keep from crying.

The sound you hear now is me……heavily sighing.


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Mike B said...

This was great. It hit-in a uniquely humorous way-the focus that hits the schools during 'testing' - in Florida, as well as Georgia. Thanks for the Tornado testing tale!

Mrs. M said...

Those in Texas empathize as well.

teachergirl said...

Funny, but someone at the DOE is NOT laughing.

Kelsey said...

That is hilarious!

By the way - I've added you to my blogroll, under the "education" category. I just like to let folks know.